Note to Self (2022)
There are pieces that arrive fully formed in ways we don’t expect — not as planned portraits, but as emotional reflections that reveal what we didn’t yet have words for. Note to Self is one of those.
Painted digitally in Procreate in 2022, this piece became a quiet witness to everything I was holding during my IVF journey. At the time, I was preparing for treatments — navigating hormones, supplements, strict routines, and the emotional highs and lows of endless appointments. I wasn’t trying to make a self-portrait. But when I stepped back, the face looking out from the screen felt like mine — not physically, but energetically.
I remember starting with just a shape and letting it flow. I wasn’t looking at a mirror, just feeling everything rise to the surface.
During that season, I found myself seeking small forms of expression and control — even something as simple as imagining purple hair felt like reclaiming part of myself. It was the only thing I could change in a process where everything else was dictated by the next blood draw, the next ultrasound, the next hopeful-but-not-certain phone call.
After a year of treatments and a failed embryo transfer, my partner and I made the difficult decision to stop. And while there’s grief in that ending, there’s also relief — a return to self after a long stretch of survival mode. Note to Self reminds me to give myself space to recover, to extend grace, and to trust my own voice.
If you’re in the thick of it — whatever “it” looks like for you — I hope this piece reminds you that rest is not failure. Slowness is not weakness. And choosing yourself is always enough.
Here’s a time-lapse of the painting process, shared originally on TikTok:
