Lately I've been thinking about getting back into painting.
I've been creating a lot of smaller mixed media pieces and enjoying the freedom of working that way, but every time I think about pulling out a canvas and setting up my paints, I notice a little hesitation.
I'm not completely sure where it comes from. Maybe it's wondering whether I'll have enough uninterrupted time. Maybe it's worrying that the ideas won't manifest the way I imagine them. Sometimes I wonder whether I'll make something nobody responds to. It's the same old negative speak that can creep in before I've even started.
The funny thing is that I know what usually happens once I begin.
I get out my materials, set up my canvas, palette and brushes, and somehow things start to come together. I don't necessarily know where I'm going, but curiosity starts to take over.
I've been finding that same curiosity in the smaller pieces I've been working on lately.
I've been playing with water and watching what happens when pigments collide. Sometimes two colors merge softly into one another. Other times they meet more harshly and radiate outward. I can influence what happens, but I can't completely control it, and I've been enjoying seeing the results.
There's something freeing about making a mark and allowing myself to see what happens next.
I've also been trying to push things a little further instead of stopping because I'm afraid I might mess something up. Sometimes that means adding another layer or making the mark I'm unsure about. Other times it means recognizing that something needs to sit for a while and breathe before I decide what comes next.
I keep coming back to the thought that if I don't try, if I don't make the mark or challenge what is sometimes the norm, then what I truly feel inclined to do will never exist.
Maybe that's why I've started thinking more about the pressure to constantly produce.
This past week has been a little topsy-turvy. There has been sickness, sadness at times, overwhelm and just the normal unpredictability of life. Somewhere within all of that, I've also been trying to find excitement in what I'm doing instead of feeling like I need to keep moving from one piece to the next.
Output, output, output.
I don't think that's what I need right now.
I think I need to experience more of the life happening around me. Spend some time outside. Be in nature. Take pictures. Notice things. Let myself experience something without immediately needing to turn it into something else.
Because eventually those things filter into the work anyway.
Maybe returning to painting isn't something I need to force. The curiosity is already there. I may just need to give it enough room to lead me back.
