I am sick again.
School is starting to get busy, and trying to balance everything is sometimes a struggle. This week I have therapy, two doctor's appointments on Thursday, gymnastics, dance and tumbling for my daughter, along with a new activity she'll be involved in with a group. I'm also the homeroom parent.
Oh, and my birthday is Sunday.
I've been asked what we're doing for my birthday, and honestly, I don't know.
When I start to feel overwhelmed by everything coming up, I try to focus on what is directly in front of me in the moment. I try not to catastrophize or let myself get flooded by thinking about everything that needs to happen all at once.
I keep coming back to this idea of balance.
Not necessarily the kind of balance where everything gets done and nothing ever falls through the cracks. I'm not sure that kind of balance actually exists.
I'm thinking more about the balance of my own mental space and capacity. Normalizing that we're not perfect. Things may fall through the cracks. Some days I may be able to do more than others.
My worth isn't measured by what I can do.
I am enough, period.
Mental health is a big component of why I do what I do creatively. When I make art, I try to create without fear. Without worrying too much about what other people will think or whether they will understand it.
I know my art can be seen as weird or strange and maybe sometimes uncomfortable.
I'm okay with that.
For me, the function of my art isn't to be decor or something made simply to complement a space.
It is the space.
It is the unknown and unspoken. The things that sometimes envelop the mind in the innermost way. Things that are difficult to explain but can still be felt.
My work isn't meant to be literal. I don't want to define exactly what someone is supposed to see or experience when they look at it. I want there to be enough openness for someone else to see themselves in it, or relate to it in some kind of metaphysical way.
Maybe creating this way is part of how I find balance too.
There is so much of everyday life that requires schedules, appointments, school activities, responsibilities and all of the little things that have to be remembered. It can be a lot, and I don't always manage it perfectly.
I think I'm learning to be more accepting of that.
When I create, there isn't the same pressure to have everything figured out. I can follow what feels interesting to me, make something strange, change direction or just see what happens. There is freedom in that.
Maybe that's part of why creating is so important to me. It gives me space for the parts of myself that don't need to be organized, productive or explained.
I'm still figuring out what balance looks like for me. Some weeks I have more capacity than others, and right now I know I need to give myself a little more room.
Things might fall through the cracks.
And that's okay.
